Bullying

According to the newspaper articles and television, Bullying is more rampant today than it has ever been. Movies have been made about it (eg. Mean Girls) and Gossip girls is all about bullying glamorized. There are more avenues to bully others today than ever. There was the sad sad story about the young girl who killed herself from bullying on a social website. 

Bullying can have devastating consequences on the people being bullied, however it is something which we don't seem to be condemning as much as we should. I don't think the parents especially of the kids doing the bullying realise how much damage their children are causing others. Some of them even condone it, thinking that being bullies makes their children stronger, and understandably any parent would rather have their child do the bullying than being on the receiving end. 

I grew up in a simpler time in the 90's. Where I grew up the internet didn't exist, we didn't have computers in high school. Mobile phones were definitely a thing of the future and we hadn't heard about it back then. Some things never change though. Bullying existed back then too and I am sure it has probably existed when we still living in caves!

Until the age of 10 I lived in my home land. I was popular in school despite being quiet and shy. Everyone liked me. I was invited to all the parties. I was accepted as a well loved member of the class. I worked hard and got good grades. The teachers liked me but I was never teachers pet. At the age of 10 my dad moved over seas and my mum and I followed soon after. When I left the home land and my friends and extended family I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep at night from missing them all so much, especially my cousins and friends. Missing the community and our way of life. I was also excited about meeting new people, moving to a new country! New Adventures!

I still remember going with my parents in out car to get my new school uniform. I was trembling with nerves but excitedly tried on my blue and white checkered uniform dress, the blue hat and the swimming costume! Wow I was finally going to learn swimming! On my 1st day at the new school I was filled with nerves, full of energy and excitement. My mum wished me all the best fondly as I bounced out of home with my dad who was going to drop me off at school and hence began the worst 2 years of my life thus far. 

Sadly I never fit in that school. Everyone in my class already knew how to swim except for me and the school did not cater to my needs. I was mersilessly bullied. I was prime candidate as I was different, I was over weight, I brought different lunches to school compared to the other children, I was quiet and shy and didn't fit in very well with the other kids. It was 2 lonely, terrible years of being made to feel worthless, of cruel jokes and pranks. The worst of it was I was so ashamed of what was happening to me at school that I didn't tell my parents about it, so I didn't have their support either. There are so many times now when I wish I had opened up to my parents about it as I could have changed schools or even having their support would have made the whole experience a bit more bearable.

I was a fighter though and some how survived the ordeal, but with a lot of scars that are present to this day. I feel that those wounds are still holding me back. There is still a little girl in me who is always looking for other people's approval, who is scared of not being liked, who is still scared of being bullied, who severely lacks self confidence in her abilities and strength despite having achieved so much. I am so sick of the way I have been feeling of late. I am worried that these feelings of inadequacies are holding me back in terms of my career and my love life and my weight and impacts everything I do in life. Hopefully writing this down will help me work through my issues and allow me to finally achieve some closure for those old wounds. 

I've been ignoring this blog for a while now. I haven't been the most conscientious blogger, however recently when ever I think about blogging, I just haven't been in the mood. Life has been sucking recently and nothing seems worth writing about.

1)Love life still non-existent

2)Work has been sucking big time: I feel as if my lack of confidence is affecting me so badly here

3)Friends: my best friend is traveling the world and having many many adventures. I miss her like crazy however when she was here I kind of ignored her calls and wasn't the best friend I could have been which is something I deeply regret and feel guilty about. The reason I did act like that was because I was feeling too down and tend to retreat into my shell when feeling like that

I know I got to love myself and respect myself. I do have so much going for me and I should be confident regarding my work, however some days I just feel like I am doing a shit job which breaks my heart because all things said and done, at the end of the day I love my job and want to be good at it desperately.

I've made many promises, but am promising myself once again to love myself and treat myself well. 

update of sorts

It is the 22nd of November today! Last time I wrote was on the 8th of Nov. Clearly my plan for writing every day has not worked and this pattern is on continuous repeat in my life as well. It is a terrible affliction. I tend to procrastinate and never stick to anything I set my mind to. I sort of do have an excuse for not keeping this promise though, I've been down in the dumps about everything in my life. I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I very much am. However certain things have been getting me really down and I have been in a sort of a funk. I am slowly emerging from that dark cloud with lots of pep talks which finally allowed me to get into the mind frame to start writing again. 

In the interim I saw Julie and Julia which was absoloutely amazing. I adore Merryl Streep. She is one of the most talented and gifted actresses around and her portrayal of Julia Child spot on! Next on my list is Drew Barrymore's directorial debut Whip It which has been getting some really good review so I am looking forward to some light hearted comedy:)

I am also trying to finish reading Twilight which has been a struggle. I saw the 1st movie which I thought was ok, I didn't love it and then borrowed the book from a friendlast year. I started reading it and gave up on it half way through it as I couldn't get into it. I started re-reading the book this year when the New Moon hysteria hit town, however am still struggling. I am determined to finish reading it though. I have trouble dealing with leaving a book unfinished. 

day1

I should be sleeping now, I am back on night shift tonight and always find the 1st day to be the hardest to sleep during the day. It doesn't help that it has been such a sweltering day either. Its only the start of spring and I am praying for Autumn. I hate the warmer months. I love winter/autumn fashion, I love wearing scarves, I love drinking tea on a winter day and miss all these in summer. I can tolerate a mild summer, but as we are blessed with 40plus celsius summers and this year is looking to be especially bad, I am thankful that I am going to be spending most of my time in doors in an air conditioned place working!

Anyhow, I just wanted to jot something down, even if it is small talk rambling about the weather in order to keep true to my promise of writing something every day;)

Randomness and Singleness and Life

Ok, so my attempt at writing a short story did not go too well. I am easily bored and easily distracted. I greatly admire beautiful writing and wish to emulate but unfortunately fear that I may be lacking the discipline. I love reading and am passionate about books. I am also always spinning stories in my head. However when the time comes to put pen to paper or finger to key board, I begin to falter. I lose my train of thought, I become distracted. Unfortunately I do not have the concentration to write beautifully worded stories. 

I am going to try though. I am going to start off with trying to be more regular with my blog entries. Even if its one word or a sentence I am going to try and write in my blog every day for the next month. I think it will help me with my sanity and my writing. 

I shudder to think of what I am promising. I am going to have such a busy month ahead of me but I will definetly give it a fair chance.

In other news, I caught up with a friend for coffee yesterday. She's someone whom I was fairly close to when we were at university together but have drifted apart since. I still remember catching up with her nearly 2 years ago now on the day before we were to start work. We were filled with anticipation and fear and excitement. I never want to re-live those 1st few weeks of starting internship. I can still remember feeling so lost and scared. So scared of making a mistake. So scared of being incompetent and hence making life for my bosses so much harder. Just plain terrified! I digress anyhow, so like I was saying we had drifted apart but still occasionally catch up for coffee or a meal and its usually as if no time has gone by. She is married and pregnant with her 1st child. I am so happy for her and she was surely glowing. I love her dearly but she most certainly reminded me of the 'smug marrieds' Bridget Jones was always complaining of. This lovely friend of mine went on to grill me or atleast that is how I felt about my single status. She made me feel like a failure for being single, as if I have something to be ashamed about. She started telling me about how I had to put myself out there and start meeting guys soon. She's telling me how I'm getting on and how I should be having a kid soon, blah blah blah. 

I couldn't stand it. I am in my late 20's. I would LOVE to meet a guy and settle down. I am not particularly certain about whether I want to start a family. When there are so many orphans in this world I feel that I will feel guilty for having a child of my own, instead of adopting an orphan. Who knows, maybe I may change my mind when I meet the right guy. This is all beside the point. 

How dare she be so smug and arrogant and up on her high horse. I kept smiling, despite nearly dying inside, most certainly crying on the inside. I changed the subject and continued chatting and smiling and chatting away like nothing was wrong. And things got back to normal after we got off the topic of marriage. However now I am feeling really down about the whole issue. 

I first saw Bridget Jones in my late teens. I so didn't realise where she was coming from back then. I was on my high horse thinking why she was making such a big deal about being single. I remember thinking to myself that she needed to get a life, stop being so desperate and move on with her life. Now I completely identify with her. I can feel her desperation. I can see people looking down on me for being single. I can see my singleness affecting my career adversely. The whole world is all of a sudden putting a whole lot of pressure on me to become a smug married! Its making me feel like half a person for not falling into the expected cultural norms. Every time someone asks me if I have a partner, I actually feel guilty for answering in the negative. I hate it that I feel this way. I hate my self for reacting to this pressure. I hate it that I am letting so many people down especially my parents. I hate the fact that they are not more tolerant and understanding. 

I am just feeling jaded and will surely get over this. Hope its soon, because I am really sick of feeling like this. 

A Short story

She's running around on morning rounds, taking notes, ordering pathology and radiology that her bosses requested. She's following up on the plans for the day. Always on the go, Always running, not a minute to pause and take a breath. Until she catches a glimpse of HIM! Her heart rate quickens and she feels it thumping away in her chest, the adrenaline coursing through her veins, she looses her train of thought. She feels her tongue twisting and is unable to utter a coherent word. 

He is busy with his duties and work. He is also always running around. Not taking a second to look around or pause for breath. He does not notice her gazing at him with longing and even if he is too busy to care. 

She wants to go over and talk to him, to introduce herself. She wants him to look at her and see his eyes brighten. She wants him to think of her the way she is always thinking of him. She takes a deep breath, shakes off these silly dreams intruding into her busy working day and moves on. Work will always come first, always take priority because it absoloutely has to. One cannot take things lightly and be distracted when lives are involved.

He moves on, continuing with his day, with his duties, with his work. None the wiser. 

Antique Roadshow

I am totally addicted to AR(Antiques Roadshow). I was at the gym today watching this show and smiling away despite working pretty hard on the elliptical trainer. I love the old manor houses and estates they usually hold the show at. I love the presenters and their old fashioned charm and most of all I love looking at all the antiques. 

I love the 1700s and 1800s in England. The reason for my love of this era is entirely due to the likes of Jane Austen and Elizebeth Gaskell. I do know of the reality of that time, especially if one was not of noble lineage with plenty of money. A time when women were objectified and considered to be not as smart as men I suppose, ruling of the commoners by noblemen who were born into power and did not earn it or particularly deserve it, diseases were rampant. I have seen videos showing the rampant syphillis and other illnesses in microbiology lectures. To add to all of these and more, there was also no running water or toilets!

In my imagination though I entirely chose to believe the picture Jane Austen paints of rolling hills and long summer days. Of walks in the park and being idle all day. Marrying Mr Darcy and living in one those huge manor houses. 

I love to see how some of the objects from that era have passed down from generation to generation and family members still have them today. The history behind some of the pieces are so amazing, romantic, sad, sweet and stir a myriad of emotions. I love the idea that we are looking at a piece of history. A brooch a Victorian lady wore out to a ball. lovingly given to her by her sweetheart:) 

Looking at this show I understand the appeal of antiques. I have often coveted the antique jewellery they have on the show. If only I had the wealth!

Anyways, I know this is a rambling post, but I felt sentimental about the antiques roadshow for some reason today and thought about writing about it in my blog in memory of the episode I saw today. It also helped me work out harder and longer at the gym for which I am thankful too;)